Part 1: The Old West
Behold the world. Parallel Universe #62, officially known as Mad World. Made up of six cities: Ghost Town, Fire City, Apocalypse, Candy Town, Copland, and The Old West. Within these six cities is a mix of bureaucratic incompetence, misplaced bravado, money-hungry train robbers, and a three-headed Rottweiler. Candy men, humans, ghosts, and were-dogs among others populate these towns, but our story focuses on five ragdolls with a penchant for robbery, violence, and absurdity.
Ragdolls look more like gelatinous humanoids than the stuffed dolls that usually come to one’s mind. The only thread or twine they possessed served as their hair, while the rest of their short, slim bodies was composed of a single bright color throughout that sprouted two legs, some arms, and a head. Their eyes were round and they were bright, maybe more so than their skin, and while they possessed a round head and mouths that could stretch twice as wide as normal, unlike humans and candy men, they possessed no noses and smelled through pores on their faces.
See the ragdolls. Distant from any towns, our five train-robbing ragdoll protagonists wait atop a precipice for the train and their future payday to come rolling by. The hot sun beat down on the scorched brown dirt, the rickety wooden buildings, and the tall dry, mountains that made up The Old West.
Cole Miner, leader of the Miner Gang, was known by most as ‘The Gentleman’ due to his inclination for wearing a top hat and tie and for his polite demeanor when robbing someone at gunpoint. It was said that he had never fired a gun during a robbery because he wished no harm upon those he robbed, while others said he never fired a round because he forgot to load his sidearm. Compared to most train robbers, he was a stand-up guy.
“This train should have eight cars total,” Cole told his boys. “We start at the first car then work our way back together. You can use your guns to scare ’em, but nobody shoot anyone.”
“When do I get a gun!?” shouted Stabby McNabby, a red gang member wearing an un-tethered straitjacket and wide-brimmed hat, whose unhinged twitching was causing the knives in his hands to come dangerously close to the ragdoll next to him.
“I told you, when you stop pointing your gun at us every time I give you one,” Cole explained.
“That’s because you’re all in my way!” Stabby exclaimed, his misaligned eyes focused on the ground and sky simultaneously.
“And besides, legally you can’t have one for five years after your stint in the psych ward,” Cole added.
“That’s true,” Jugs said from beside Cole as he fixed the flat cap atop his green head.
Jugs was an anomaly amongst the bandits. He was short, well-mannered, not particularly violent, and by far the most rational and practical of the ragdolls. However, his passive nature and low-ranking status within the gang made most of them choose to ignore his well thought-out and rational ideas.
“The train will be here any minute. Does anyone have any questions?” Cole asked.
“I’m outta dem alcoholic beverages. Y’all have any to spare?” inquired Crummy Carl, a homeless drunk sporting a long, dirty beard and a revolver tied to a string around his neck by the trigger guard, causing the barrel to point at his face.
“Of course,” Cole said, as he placed a flask into Crummy Carl’s purple palm. “That enough?”
Crummy Carl took a swig from the flask. His eyes glazed over, and then he pissed himself as usual.
“The train’s here!” Jugs said, pointing to the tracks a ways down.
The ragdolls turned to see a jet-black, eight-car train shooting towards them.
“Get ready, boys,” Cole said, as he wrapped a bandana around the lower half of his face.
Casanova Maverick, a tall beige, ragdoll with a penchant for thievery and womanizing, pointed to the fourth car back. “It looks like they’re using dogs as guards instead of pinkmen or conductors. Look there at the fourth car back.”
Cole saw a single dog head popping up behind one of the passenger windows before it quickly disappeared. “Well, we’ll deal with it when we get to it.”
As the train passed, the five ragdolls hopped off the precipice and landed roughly on the first car, directly behind the leading truck. From a theoretical standpoint, ragdolls were born to train hop. Having no bones, they were no worse for wear when they hit the top of the car.
Cole, as the leader, declared that he would always be the first to board a car, as that was where the most risk was. He thought a good leader should put himself in harm’s way before his men, who needed someone to put their confidence into. The others were okay with that because they’d rather see him get killed than them.
One by one, the ragdolls entered the first car through a top hatch until Jugs came in last with his revolver at the ready.
Cole tipped his top hat to the passengers with a confident smile, then raised his revolver upward. “Ladies and gentlemen, hands up, please!”
Cole looked to the passengers, who had filled every seat, and thought there was something strange about them though he couldn’t put his finger on it.
“Are we supposed to be able to see through ’em, Cole?” Crummy Carl asked.
Each passenger was translucent, the back of their seats visible through their bodies. Each one also had a purple wavy aura surrounding their entire bodies, and not a single one of them seemed to notice the five bandits. Their eyes were half open at best, as if they had just woken from a long nap and were processing their surroundings. Except this lot didn’t register a single thing the bandits were saying.
One thing any visiting tourist should know about the city known as The Old West, or even Mad World itself for that matter, is that the only translucent creatures that exist are ghosts and they are forbidden from entering any city with the exception of Ghost Town, which we’ll get into a bit later. However, there is only one reason a ghost would be seen in any other town and one reason only. They were en route for The Shade… In fact, this was common knowledge throughout the residents of Mad World, but these five weren’t the brainiest of the bunch. Cole was the most educated of the five, and that amounted to a weekend course that made him a county-certified cheese connoisseur. Jugs was a licensed beautician, and Crummy Carl had a CPR card. Casanova had a doctorate, but it was later discovered to be in music, so no one cared.
“Must be some kind of new technology we’re not fancy to yet,” Cole said, regarding the passengers’ strange dispositions.
“Uh, Cole, I think I might know the reason,” Jugs squeaked from beside him, though no one was listening.
“I can’t even stab these people. It just goes right through!” Stabby McNabby said, as he continually ran his knives through a large human male. He only got purchase when the knives met the backseat.
“Godamnit, Stabby, stop stabbing people!” Cole shouted.
“Mighty strange, what’s goin’ on here…” Casanova commented.
The thieving ragdoll then began rifling through some small vases decorating the front of the car above the doorway. Casanova casually threw five dirty, worn, brown vases out of the window before pocketing a shiny piece of jewelry positioned behind them.
“Uh, guys…” Jugs said.
The car shook violently and then the bright light of that beautiful afternoon was overwhelmed by a foreboding darkness that swept through the entire train. Distant barking could be heard, which gradually grew louder. Following that was something that sounded like the buzzing of locusts.
“Cole…” Jugs whispered.
“Quiet, Jugs,” Cole hissed back.
“I know who this train belongs to,” Jugs started. “It belongs to…”
The door at the back of the car burst open, revealing two horrible figures. The creature closest to the floor was a dog, a Rottweiler to be specific, but unlike normal Rottweilers this one had three snarling heads attached to his body. Though the ragdolls didn’t know it, this creature was known as Cerberus. In front of the dog stood a tall, thin figure dressed in a tattered black shinobi shozoku with a loose, dark hood that covered his face, only revealing two red orbs that served as eyes. And the hands… the hands had no flesh at all, only bones.
“Holy crap, we’re robbing Death?!” Cole shouted.
Death produced a large scythe from behind his back, then surged forward followed by his hellhound.
“Cole,” Crummy Carl started to say. “What do you think we should do about that feller there running at us?”
“Holy crap!” Cole shouted then grabbed Crummy Carl and hurled him at Death.
Crummy Carl sailed towards Death, but the reaper quickly impaled the ragdoll and hurled his corpse through a nearby window. He and Cerberus continued surging forward.
“I would have advised against that, Cole,” Jugs noted wholesomely beside the Gentleman. “What should we do now?”
“Holy crap!” Cole continued to panic.
Casanova fired off rounds continuously at Death and Cerberus. Jugs joined in shortly after while Cole shouted nonsense. Cerberus ducked behind some nearby seats to avoid the barrage of gunfire, but the bullets did nothing to deter Death, each slug burying itself in him yet doing no damage.
Death was almost upon Cole and Jugs when Stabby McNabby hurtled towards the black figure. Stabby’s knives caught Death’s scythe before it could bury itself into him, which then led to a duel between the two.
Cole came to his senses. “Everyone, topside now!”
Without blinking, Casanova hopped through the top hatch. Cole and Jugs stopped underneath the hatch but idled in concern for their endangered comrade.
“Stabby, head this way. We’ll cover you!” Cole shouted.
The presence of Death was like something from a nightmare. The reaper was almost completely silent in his movements. All that could be heard was the fluttering of his tattered garbs and the sound of his scythe connecting with Stabby’s knives. Like lightning, the reaper suddenly and skillfully sidestepped an ill-placed lunge from Stabby, then hurled his free arm into the ragdoll, sending him flying through the window and out into the open air.
The psychotic ragdoll began flapping his arms, as he descended over the cliff running alongside the train. His irritation grew as he realized he wasn’t flying, only falling.
“Goddamn you, gravity!” Stabby’s voice echoed as he trailed farther and farther below the cliff.
Upon Stabby’s exit, Jugs disappeared through the top hatch, followed by Cole. They managed to seal the hatch as Death appeared from below.
Cole and Jugs met Casanova at the other end of the car. The three ragdolls stared over the side of the train past the edge of the cliff.
“The bottom of that cliff is at least a hundred feet down,” Casanova declared.
The cover to the hatch exploded upward, and through the hole emerged the Grim Reaper and the hound of The Shade.
“Pick your poison, boys.” Casanova smiled before jumping off the train over the cliff side below. Jugs quickly followed suit.
Cole watched his compatriots descend through the air before looking up at the angels of destruction bearing down on him. He lifted his revolver and emptied his chamber into the head of Death. The sounds of bones shattering filled his ears, but no fragments fell from Death’s hood. Nothing would stop this creature from his rampage.
When the two were almost upon him, Cole flung himself over the side, avoiding the swing of the scythe that narrowly missed his shirt. Death and Cerberus stopped in their tracks. They stood in silence as they watched their transgressors hurtle towards the ground. The two knew all four ragdolls would survive the fall. They would have plenty of time to hunt them down, each in turn.
The tattered figure and the dog casually moved back to the hatch, then disappeared inside the first car.